Things that are True

1) Autocorrect is annoying.
2) So is my cat.
3) If you don't like the Christmas present my husband and I gave you, you don't need to let us know through a third party. That's rude. Also, it's even ruder to give it back through said third party. That's why re-gifting exists.
4) White is the absolute worst color choice for toddler clothing.
5) Six month sized dresses make excellent 12 month sized tops.
6) People who work on commission and for tips need to pay their bills too. They aren't jerks for wanting to make a comfortable living.
7) Michael Pollan is a wise dude when it comes to food. His books are full of many pearls of wisdom.
8) Ricki Lake is a wise chica when it comes to childbirth. Every pregnant woman in the USA should watch her documentary, The Business of Being Born. It's available through Netflix.
9) Being a good singer with healthy vocal technique involves many years of study and dedicated practice. It is not just a "gift" or a natural talent.
10) The only two books that have reduced me to real actual tears in my adult life: Les Miserables (Hugo), and Love You Forever (Munsch). And I have read a lot of books.

The Power of Hormones

I decided to cut back on the pumping at work, because AwesomeKid has been less interested in the boobs as of late, plus she has moved into the "Walkers" class at daycare, where she is allowed to eat non-purées. Finger food has been her preferred food for many months now, but daycares have rules, so she's been stuck with mush until now. So the combination of real food at daycare, her unending campaign against bottles, and hitting that magical twelve month made it seem like the time was ripe to cut out at least one pumping session per day.

The first few days went fine. I was a little (ok, a lot) more busty than usual, but that's no big. A little bit of pressure, but no pain. All was smooth sailing. Alas, what I had not counted on was the hormones.

I woke up a little late on Thursday, but I'm always a little late. Normally, I just rush around and make it work. Some things get left behind occasionally, which generally annoys me but so it goes. I don't like how disorganized I've become, but I have adopted a "strive for your best, and remember your best won't be perfect under your current life circumstances" way of looking at the work situation as of late.

But back to Thursday. I woke up late, and on Thursday it was a TRAGEDY. I was really really really angry with myself for sleeping in. And then I had no clean clothes, so that made me more angry. The dishes were piling over in the sink AGAIN, and I got really worked up thinking about how much time I spend doing dishes when I could be doing other things, and how BestHusbandEver could really do the dishes more often, and how unfair the lack of a dishwasher was for our family. Then I started thinking about the piles of laundry, and that made me mad too. I think I tripped over several toys, which exacerbated the angst.

So next thing I know, I'm crying and telling BestHusbandEver that we need a serious discussion about our division of domestic responsibilities, but we can't talk about it now because I need to leave for work, and by the way I am completely overwhelmed with life and I haven't had more that four hours of sleep at a time for almost a year, and I just don't know how I can handle this anymore.

Bear in mind, that while I don't get much sleep, and I do have a fair amount of stressors (what working mom doesn't?), I generally am pretty damn satisfied with life and don't really care about having a messy house. This freak out really did come out of nowhere.

Anyhow, I get to work, my eyes are all red, I'm in the bathroom trying to calm down, and I wind up telling my first class I have a cold plus I slept in my contacts. After that I went and cried in the bathroom about how horrible my life was for a while. It was bizarre. I was literally shaking with emotion. I was considering quitting my job right then and there. Could not stop crying when I wasn't actually teaching. It was very dramatic.

I made it through the day, but it felt like I'd been through some horrible trauma. I had that whole post crying your eyes out empty feeling. It was awful. I was just so sad, and the fact that this sadness had come out of nowhere was worrying. I thought I might be pregnant, because the feeling reminded me very strongly of my weepy anxious pregnant self.

Then it hit me. The boobs weren't full and huge in the morning as they had been the past few days. My body had adjusted its milk production. HORMONES were at play here. The power of Google confirmed it. Actually, there was very little stuff out there about weaning and mood swings, but there was enough to confirm my suspicions. Evidently the milk producing hormone is associated with feelings of calm and peace and all that happy stuff. I guess I was having some kind of peace love happiness hormone withdrawal. Luckily, it was short-lived, because all was well with the world by Friday.

Hormones. They are powerful. I don't like to give them credit, because I don't like to think I'm ruled by my primitive reptile brain. But sometimes I am, I guess. Fingers crossed they can keep in check for the rest of the weaning process, because Thursday really sucked. At least I feel prepared for the possibility, and I'll know to call in in sick next time. Yay me.

Christmas Vacation RULES.

Dude. I seriously love not having to work. This is amazing. I have been able to work out. I have played with AwesomeKid a ton - we've gone on walks, gone to the park, played chase around the house, visited Grandma and Grandpa... It is awesome. I kind of want to become a stay at home mom and spend all days like this. I could totally sign up for various baby and mommy activities that are only offered during working hours. Maybe I could start scrap booking or something crafty like that. I know eventually the novelty would wear off and it would get grueling and all, but damn this is fun right now. Too bad we need health insurance, shelter, and food. And the iPhones. I don't think our family could survive without the iPhones.

We did Christmas in the country with the in-laws this past weekend, which means AwesomeKid got to play in the hugest yard she has ever seen and walk through thousands of crackly leaves. Also, there were cows, so she go to practice saying "moo", which was very impressive to the extended family.

Christmas is now all about AwesomeKid. BestHusbandEver and I are chopped liver. No more super cool gifts for us. We live vicariously through AwesomeKid. This is not a bad thing, but we both agree that it contributes to our general sense of feeling OLD. Alas. Persevere we shall.

The Prodigal Yogini and the Yoga Podcasts

Last night, I practiced yoga for the first time in probably a month.  Getting to a studio is just not working for me lately (and by lately, I mean since the birth of AwesomestKidEver, which means almost a year).  I don't want to go on weekdays because 1) I want to spent time with my baby; and 2) BestHusbandEver does not get home from his work in time for me to make it to a class without having to hire a babysitter (which is a lot harder to do than most people would have you think.  It is hard to find people interested in watching a baby, no matter how many offers they made when you were pregnant). Last night I finally admitted to myself that I'm just going to have to commit to a (eek!) home practice.  The only time I can find to practice is late at night, so that is when I will practice. 

Sometimes I really enjoy creating my own sequences, but right now I need guides, since I'm out of practice.  For the past year or so I've been trying out various yogi podcasts, trying to use them as a supplement to studio classes.  I've tried out a whole bunch, but most I've discarded because they sucked were intended for newbies or because they were hard to understand.  I have found two that I'm planning to use a bunch as part of my official home practice that I am officially reestablishing as of last night.    

First up - Faith Hunter's All the Way LIVE.  Faith's style is really similar to that of the studio I used to practice at before Baby came along and changed up my schedule.  A lot of yoga podcasts and DVDs are so BASIC, and the ones that are actually challenging tend to be overly focused on the physical aspects of yoga, rather than the integration of mind, body, and spirit that I prefer in my yoga practice.  Faith is really easy to understand if you know yoga, so you can follow along even though most of her casts are not video.  Also, she's got a ton of episodes on her feed, mostly 90 minute classes, but a few that are like an hour.  That's nice for me, because I practice after AwesomestKidEver goes to sleep, and 90 minutes isn't always practical at 9 o'clock at night.  

The second super skilled teacher I've found on iTunes is Dave Farmar.  His classes are pretty challenging, and his energy is great.  He records his classes in all kinds of different locations, and I really enjoy his descriptions of the local colors of wherever he is.  He also has a number of hour-ish casts in addition to many 90 minute ones.  

So, that is the plan.  Faith and Dave will guide me through the amazing power of the internet, I will regain my yogini centered zen-like state, and all will be well with the world.  Eventually, I should be able to return to creating my own sequences, and I might even get my Scorpion pose back on one of these days.  

 

Namaste, y'all.  

This is why he's the best husband ever

Look at this awesomeness.

Best bedtime surprise ever.  Ok, maybe not EVER.  But best G-rated bedtime surprise.  Definitely.  

Sunday is Funday

Cygnets at the Park
Little balls of fluff
Staying close to mom and dad
A family of swans

Nerdy Family
When baby fusses
Let her play Xbox with you
Gaming together

Dinner Tonight
Spinich lasagna
Cheesey baked melted goodness
Winter comfort food

Scattered emotions...

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be entirely emotionally stable again.  I was a WRECK throughout my pregnancy - used to cry all the time, was mean to pretty much any moving target, and at the same time felt a whole lot of tenderness at times.  Then there was this amazing post baby euphoria and the feeling of complete transformation - like a butterfly or something.  I remember going outside for the first time after giving birth and it was like this new new thing I'd never done before.  And now, I feel like I'm mostly normal, but then I get days like today where I'm tearing up as I pump in the bathroom wishing I could just go home and be with my baby. Is that just parenthood?  Is that just how I am now?

Sometimes it feels like I've lost something that I used to have.  I really miss the gym.  It used to be my me time.  I really miss going to yoga three times a week.  I miss singing in the Opera Chorus.  It's hard to give up things.  I've transformed the gym into working out at home or running.  It's not the same, but it's close and it's easier than driving across town.  I keep telling myself I can practice yoga at home, but it's harder.  I found a local chorus that is actually more musically fulfilling than the Opera Chorus, that only meets once a week at a more convenient time. 


It's hard to stay in the present.  I worry about the future.  I mourn what I've lost.  But when I can get out of my way and just BE in the moment, there is such joy possible... and contentment and calm.  Seeing V in her undeveloped pure id stage of life is amazing.  


I'm living in my head more than I have in years.  The complete transformation of my body followed by the lack of time for physical activity has taken its toll.  I think if I actually recommit to a yoga practice at home it'll help.  And if I can just get these emotions out of my head, on paper, on the internet, out loud...