Saturday, October 9, 2010

Scattered emotions...

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be entirely emotionally stable again.  I was a WRECK throughout my pregnancy - used to cry all the time, was mean to pretty much any moving target, and at the same time felt a whole lot of tenderness at times.  Then there was this amazing post baby euphoria and the feeling of complete transformation - like a butterfly or something.  I remember going outside for the first time after giving birth and it was like this new new thing I'd never done before.  And now, I feel like I'm mostly normal, but then I get days like today where I'm tearing up as I pump in the bathroom wishing I could just go home and be with my baby. Is that just parenthood?  Is that just how I am now?

Sometimes it feels like I've lost something that I used to have.  I really miss the gym.  It used to be my me time.  I really miss going to yoga three times a week.  I miss singing in the Opera Chorus.  It's hard to give up things.  I've transformed the gym into working out at home or running.  It's not the same, but it's close and it's easier than driving across town.  I keep telling myself I can practice yoga at home, but it's harder.  I found a local chorus that is actually more musically fulfilling than the Opera Chorus, that only meets once a week at a more convenient time. 

It's hard to stay in the present.  I worry about the future.  I mourn what I've lost.  But when I can get out of my way and just BE in the moment, there is such joy possible... and contentment and calm.  Seeing V in her undeveloped pure id stage of life is amazing.  

I'm living in my head more than I have in years.  The complete transformation of my body followed by the lack of time for physical activity has taken its toll.  I think if I actually recommit to a yoga practice at home it'll help.  And if I can just get these emotions out of my head, on paper, on the internet, out loud...  

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