The Night of the Rambling Thoughts

Two coffees in the mid to late afternoon yesterday equalled a night of insomnia. Thus, a night of thinking and musing, especially about the future.

I've been feeling really ambivalent about my work lately, for a number of reasons. At the forefront is this amazing SAHM summer I'm having. I enjoy being with my child for the majority if not all of the day. Before the arrival of AwesomeKid, I had always thought that I would be unhappy, bored, and unfulfilled if I was a full-time mom. I don't think that's the case anymore. Additionally, the past two years at work have just been rough. I know that's because I was pregnant/pumping/adjusting to motherhood for this whole time. I know that when I go back for the fall semester things may be different, but I'm scared that they won't.

Being a musician and a teacher/music director has been part of my identity for my entire adult life. It's weird to feel myself losing enthusiasm. Working with the younger set is easy and not as challenging as it used to be, although there is still a lot I could improve upon. Working with the older (teenage) crew has just been an exercise in frustration for the past five years, if I'm totally honest about it. I don't think I'm cut out to work with teenagers, but it could be the school climate I'm working in -- all boys, machismo values, sports above all, slackerdom rampant... And the over involved parents and their endless emails trying to wrangle special treatment for their kids... At the end of last year I really felt like giving up, but I signed the contract anyways.

Plus, I have issues working for a Catholic instutution. I'm not religious, and I strongly object to the Catholic Church's anti-feminism, sex negativity and bigotry regarding homosexuality. I don't like being one of the faces of that instutution in the minds of my students.

So, there are a lot of negatives associated with the current work situation. But it is the devil I know, and the city I live in does not support arts education in its public schools, for the most part. So there it is, I guess.

Rattling around in the back of my head, though, is this totally other field of work. I've been fascinated with birth and birth advocacy since my Bradley classes and my husband and I's amazing birth experience. The enthusiasm has not dwindled. I find the natural process of birth amazing and transcendent, despite its earthy, guttural, primitive quality. I cry when I read birth stories. My husband and I still talk about our AwesomeKid's birth on a fairly regular basis. I read articles about birth and the controversies surrounding the home/natural birth communities and hospital protocols. I firmly belief that the treatment of women in pregnancy and labor/delivery is a feminist issue, though it is largely ignored.

I'd really like to get certified to teach Bradley classes, since the method worked so well for my husband and I, but there's no way that would bring in more that spending money. I've thought about doula-ing also, but I am really really not good when I don't get enough sleep, and what would I do with a client like myself (27 hours of labor)? I was a zombie after coaching my sister's birth, and her's was fast - 12 hours from start to finish. I don't know...

But it still appeals to me. It sounds fulfilling. It'd be a completely different line of work. There would be wack hours, but more time not working... I'd be my own boss. I could subsidize with performing - my first love before teaching... I don't know. There's a training for doula/birth educator certification in my city in a few months. Is this something I should check out? Or am I just burnt out and looking for an escape from the current job? There are a lot of other things I could attempt within the field I already know - setting up a private studio, attempting to find a new school, gigging... How much of all these thoughts are pipe dreams and how much could really work for me?

Just what I needed -- Linky Love

There was no plan to become an extended breastfeeder, but here we are, or here I am. Awesome Kid is 15 months and weaning is nowhere in sight. I tried to start cutting back when she made it to a year, and at least now the pump is gone, but the kid really loves her "na-na" time. I don't have the stomach to deny her the boob, especially when she obviously associates it with security and snuggles and feeling loved.
I'd been feeling frustrated with the nursing situation as of late, especially how it continues to affect my sleep. The other night I read this lovely post by Navelgazing Midwife, which struck me in exactly the place I needed to be, um, struck. Literally exactly what I needed to hear at this place in my life. Great when stuff like that falls in your lap. Or on your iPhone.

Another grand post that made it's way to me at the perfect time was from JJKidding. Husband (Still the best ever) and I are thus far pretty laid back as parents. We're not into major discipline with a 15 month old, and we let her explore and make messes as long as she's not going to hurt herself. She's a complete whirlwind that doesn't ever seem to stop moving, and we are cool with that even if it's exhausting. Anyways, there have been a few snarky comments that got back to me from judge-y family people (who don't have kids, or who haven't had young ones in over 20 years). I mostly let it roll off the back but it's nice to know other people out there have similar experiences and philosophies about parenting.

Rachel Scott

So, life. It keeps going.

At work this week, the powers that be trotted all of the kids out to the gym for an assembly on bullying, which I initially thought was going to be super cheesy, just like the Coke presentations of my youth*. Instead it was one of those things that is so sad it leaves you feeling hollow for the rest of the day.

The presentation was part of a project called Rachel's Challenge. Rachel was a girl who was killed at age 17 in the Columbine shootings. Weird that none of my students knew about Columbine. It was such a huge deal, but now it's just the distant past.
Rachel's father was the presenter. He talked about finding Rachel's diary and essays she had written about her views on life, on how people should be kind and refrain from judging others without knowing the full story. Idealism. It actually reminded me a lot of myself as a teenager - I was super idealistic, really did try to be nice to everyone. I wanted to grow up to help refugees and work for Amnesty International...

Anyways, this project, Rachel's Challenge, outlines tenets for living based on her writings, and it's a wonderful concept. Be kind, give second chances, choose positive role models... Great stuff, and it was great for our students to hear. Something about the message coming from "beyond the grave" seemed to really strike a chord for a lot of them.

The footage they used was just gut wrenching. The thing that almost broke me was the video montage of her growing up, starting with videos of her at the same age my daughter is now. It was so so sad, to see her father up there, knowing that he has given this presentation a million times, and that every time he's reliving and remembering her loss. And while I'm sure he gets solace knowing that this message of peace has been spread all over the world in his daughter's name, I'm also sure he'd rather she had the chance to grow up and create her own legacy.

There was some talk in the teachers' lounge about destiny, and maybe this girl was meant to die so that this project and her message could spread throughout the world. One student told me he thought Rachel was a prophet, because of her prolific writings. I just keep thinking - here was a person who has been suspended in time at the height of idealism. She is forever seventeen in the minds of everyone knew her and who hears about her. But if those terrible, evil boys hadn't shot her in cold blood, she'd be my age today. She could have become "great", or maybe she'd have shed some idealism. She could have a family. She could have a blog. She could play on her iPhone too much. She could be stressing about how messy her house is. She could be alive.

I don't believe people are "meant" to die violent deaths. I don't believe people are destined to suffer. I can't. I don't care how much good has resulted from that kind, beautiful teenager's death. It would be better if she was alive today.




* Coke presentations = Trot all of the kids to the gym and make them watch an "inspiring" multimedia presentation with trite truisms about life and how drugs are bad blended in with positive popular music. Designed for super short attention spans. All sponsored by Coke, so that the school feels less bad about picking corn syrup beverages at its population. Dunno how popular these were/are in other regions, but they were BIg Events when I was in high school.

Things that are True

1) Autocorrect is annoying.
2) So is my cat.
3) If you don't like the Christmas present my husband and I gave you, you don't need to let us know through a third party. That's rude. Also, it's even ruder to give it back through said third party. That's why re-gifting exists.
4) White is the absolute worst color choice for toddler clothing.
5) Six month sized dresses make excellent 12 month sized tops.
6) People who work on commission and for tips need to pay their bills too. They aren't jerks for wanting to make a comfortable living.
7) Michael Pollan is a wise dude when it comes to food. His books are full of many pearls of wisdom.
8) Ricki Lake is a wise chica when it comes to childbirth. Every pregnant woman in the USA should watch her documentary, The Business of Being Born. It's available through Netflix.
9) Being a good singer with healthy vocal technique involves many years of study and dedicated practice. It is not just a "gift" or a natural talent.
10) The only two books that have reduced me to real actual tears in my adult life: Les Miserables (Hugo), and Love You Forever (Munsch). And I have read a lot of books.

Christmas Vacation RULES.

Dude. I seriously love not having to work. This is amazing. I have been able to work out. I have played with AwesomeKid a ton - we've gone on walks, gone to the park, played chase around the house, visited Grandma and Grandpa... It is awesome. I kind of want to become a stay at home mom and spend all days like this. I could totally sign up for various baby and mommy activities that are only offered during working hours. Maybe I could start scrap booking or something crafty like that. I know eventually the novelty would wear off and it would get grueling and all, but damn this is fun right now. Too bad we need health insurance, shelter, and food. And the iPhones. I don't think our family could survive without the iPhones.

We did Christmas in the country with the in-laws this past weekend, which means AwesomeKid got to play in the hugest yard she has ever seen and walk through thousands of crackly leaves. Also, there were cows, so she go to practice saying "moo", which was very impressive to the extended family.

Christmas is now all about AwesomeKid. BestHusbandEver and I are chopped liver. No more super cool gifts for us. We live vicariously through AwesomeKid. This is not a bad thing, but we both agree that it contributes to our general sense of feeling OLD. Alas. Persevere we shall.

Scattered emotions...

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be entirely emotionally stable again.  I was a WRECK throughout my pregnancy - used to cry all the time, was mean to pretty much any moving target, and at the same time felt a whole lot of tenderness at times.  Then there was this amazing post baby euphoria and the feeling of complete transformation - like a butterfly or something.  I remember going outside for the first time after giving birth and it was like this new new thing I'd never done before.  And now, I feel like I'm mostly normal, but then I get days like today where I'm tearing up as I pump in the bathroom wishing I could just go home and be with my baby. Is that just parenthood?  Is that just how I am now?

Sometimes it feels like I've lost something that I used to have.  I really miss the gym.  It used to be my me time.  I really miss going to yoga three times a week.  I miss singing in the Opera Chorus.  It's hard to give up things.  I've transformed the gym into working out at home or running.  It's not the same, but it's close and it's easier than driving across town.  I keep telling myself I can practice yoga at home, but it's harder.  I found a local chorus that is actually more musically fulfilling than the Opera Chorus, that only meets once a week at a more convenient time. 


It's hard to stay in the present.  I worry about the future.  I mourn what I've lost.  But when I can get out of my way and just BE in the moment, there is such joy possible... and contentment and calm.  Seeing V in her undeveloped pure id stage of life is amazing.  


I'm living in my head more than I have in years.  The complete transformation of my body followed by the lack of time for physical activity has taken its toll.  I think if I actually recommit to a yoga practice at home it'll help.  And if I can just get these emotions out of my head, on paper, on the internet, out loud...  

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

I want to be one of the students in Les Miserables (the musical, not the crappy movie or the epic but fabulous novel).  Specifically, I want to be one of the students from Act I, before the fighting and death and all that.  They sit around at a bar for infinite amounts of time, discussing politics and being idealistic, occasionally breaking into song. They evidently don't need to work, because they have nicer costumes than the rest of the cast, but they don't do anything besides drink and make plans for overthrowing the government.

I don't want to overthrow the government or anything violent, but sitting around making plans and drinking cheap wine sounds like a nice way to live life sometimes.  Plus, being a perpetual student is totally something I could live with.